There is a time...

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven."

If you haven't ever taken the time to read Ecclesiastes 3, I suggest you do. It is a beautiful passage, and I cannot help but read it and think of how it applies to my life.

As you get older, time gets faster. This concept always seems to hit me on nights like these. The nights where I have a list of things to do, but somehow I always get caught up reflecting on how the many ways God has blessed me. 

This past year has truly been one that I will never forget. A year ago, I was a high school senior who had just found out she had been hired to work at her favorite place in the world. I pleaded and begged God to see that time would just speed up so that I could graduate and begin work. What senior doesn't wish that time would pass quickly? Pass quickly it did, and it is hard to believe that in one year so much has changed.

a time to plant, a time to love 

Summer 2012 was by far the best summer I have ever had. Working at Camp Deer Run was everything I had hoped it would be and more. Though at first I was worried and anxious about making the transition from camper to staff, God helped see me through and it was beyond smooth. Spending a summer loving children and sharing God's word was one of the best things I could have done before I left for college. Most of my friends spent their summers with their families and close friends, enjoying the last two months before our lives completely changed, but I can honestly say that I have no regrets in spending what could have been my last summer at home out in the piney woods at CDR. Now I can say that God used last summer to strengthen me for my transition in to college. 

a time to search, a time to build

Two weeks after the summer at CDR ended, I was moving into a dorm. Those two weeks in between were very difficult for me. I found it hard to be in public, especially when my family went for a Dallas weekend to buy last minute necessities for my dorm. I was overwhelmed and torn. I felt as if I was ripped from my safe-haven, escape from the world, and thrown right into the storm of society. Yet, I soon adjusted, and before I knew it, was driving down to College Station with a car jammed packed of my belongings.

Truthfully, there wasn't a rough period of adjusting as my family left me in a new town with only a handful of people I knew. I was confident that God had placed me at A&M for a reason, and was never felt as if I had made a mistake in coming to A&M. From the first day, I loved it! God had only begun to show me the story he had written for me. I made friends in AFC, learned a lot in some really difficult classes, learned to two-step, and ate a lot. Of course there were times I worried when I heard how my family was ill, but I had faith that God was comforting them as well as reassuring me.

a time to embrace, a time to mourn

Right as I was really enjoying life at college, Christmas Break came. I needed the break from school, but I was disappointed to say goodbye to the town and my new friends. God was so faithful and opened a door for a mission opportunity. 8 days of the break I spent in Nicaragua. For a first mission trip, I believe it was great. It was a beautiful thing to see how God worked through us, and how he used small children to help me learn things about myself. Sad to leave, but happy to know that God wasn't finished with me in the field of missions, I came back to the States and had a white Christmas with my family. New Year's was a sad one as my family mourned the loss of my great-grandmother. While we mourned we also rejoiced for the significant amount of time we had with her. Only a day after her funeral services, I was once again on the road to College Station to spend a week at Foster's Children's Home. If there is one highlight of my time in college so far, I would definitely say it has been the service opportunities through AFC. Giving back to others, especially children, has caused my heart to be overwhelmed with love and compassion. I will never understand how God allows us to love such small children so much, but I am so joyful that he allows me to experience his love in this manner.

He has made everything beautiful in its time

These are only a few highlights of my year, and it is so difficult to believe that my freshman year will be over in a matter of weeks. While classes have been hard and stressful, God has never once left my side in my journey. He is constantly by my side, whispering in my ear to lead me down his path of righteousness. I am humbled that God has provided me with such opportunities. Why I of all people have been blessed with such good friends, a supportive family, and such wonderful memories I do not know. All I can say is that I thank God every day for allowing me to serve him. 

Serve him I will, which brings me around my circle. I once again will be working at Camp Deer Run. I am beyond excited to spend another summer in the piney woods, and I am even more excited to see the plans God has for this summer. 

God is faithful. God is good. He has a time for everything as he says throughout the book of Ecclesiastes. With much deeper understanding, I am trying to live this passage. God is showing me his timing and I must say it is beyond beautiful.

Cold Feet

Insecure.

Inadequate

Holding Back.

Nervous.

Paranoid.

Second Thoughts.

Cold Feet.

What do all of these lack? Trust. 

I've never been good at patience. Try as hard as I can, I've never successfully mastered the art of patience in waiting for the "bigger picture." Sure I can wait for my food at a restaurant, wait for a friend to get ready, or even practice patience with children, but when it comes to my life plans, I want to know, and I want to know now. Patience is something I struggle with. I want to know where God is taking me now. I want to know the plans that lie ahead. Basically, I want to put myself on the level of God, so that I can know everything.  This thinking is wrong, and by trying to "plan" everything in my life, I'm ruining the beauty of the plans God has for me.

I lack true trust in God. It hurts me to admit that I struggle with trust, when I can easily tell everyone to "trust in God" or "let him show you his plans for you." But when it comes to MY life, I don't want to wait. I'm insecure. I feel as if I am inadequate for the things God has called me to do. I hold back, instead of being bold and talking a walk of faith. I'm constantly nervous or paranoid about the simplest things. I question everything. Lastly I have cold feet. I won't lie, I question if the plans for my life will meet the expectations I have for myself. What if God's plans are an alarming reality, that my dreams, my plans, are just not what he has planned for me?

What if I am trying to play god? 

I try to plan my life based on what I think is good for me or by what I think I deserve. When in reality, I am entitled to nothing. I try to plan everything in my life, forgetting that each day has its own worries, I simply add on to my burden by carrying the plans, the worries, for tomorrow and the next day and the next...

My burden is heavy. The load I bring upon myself is great. But God has offered to carry my load, IF I am willing to put my trust in him. He is begging me to be patient, to wait and see the beauty of his plan.

My cold feet cause me to question, to doubt, that God's plans are the best. I have no doubt that the Devil is working on my mindset, because why would I ever doubt the God who created me?

God's plans are not guaranteed to be easy or flawless, but we are guaranteed that he will see us through.

I can't help but think of Job. A man who lost everything, but never failed to trust in God. Not once did he curse God, but instead thanked God in times of trouble and in the good times.

Cold feet have the capability to ruin my trust in God, but just as Job did, I am prepared to work harder to trust in God. While I will most likely be a planner all the days of my life, I am prepared to let God take the reins. Putting trust in God, means letting go of myself. It's finally time that I surrender it all to God. I've been holding on to this portion for a long time, not realizing that I was suffering. Today is a new day. A day where I will wholeheartedly trust in God. I will be patient in waiting. I know it won't always be glamourous, but the plans God has for me are guaranteed to be much better than I can even imagine. 

Relaxing Trust

School will always be stressful. It's a fact of life that cannot be changed, because just as you get caught up in one class, the workload increases in another. However, while school is going to be stressful, the way you handle that stress is imperative to your overall happiness.

Last semester I stressed. Every day I was calling my mom complaining about this or that, how my hard work wasn't reflecting, and I could go on for days. I complained a lot, and spent more time in the library. I would sit in the library until 12, or until I had completed everything. I would sacrifice sleep just so that I could "be ahead" in my classes.

This was crazy. It really was, because I was making myself physically ill in order to complete things that weren't even due for days. This semester has been different. Sorry mom and dad, but I haven't stepped foot in the library. I don't plan on it, unless I really need to. I can study in my dorm, do my homework in bed, and actually go to sleep at a decent time.

My first test was earlier this week. My approach to this test was quite different than it would have been last semester. While last semester I would have stayed up til 12 the night before in the library, this time around I definitely did not. I studied, then I went to a Superbowl party. I've realized that just because I have tests and work to do, my social life doesn't have to suffer. It's ok for me to go out, and finish an assignment later. It is perfectly fine for me to act like a normal college student and enjoy my limited time here at this awesome University. I have four years here, and when I graduate I don't want to regret spending more time in the library than I did actually enjoying new experiences.

On that test I took, I made a 95. Ya take that Psychology! I am in no means saying that it is ok not to study, but I am saying that I have realized the need to "live a little." My new philosophy is greatly contributed to the fact that I no longer have Thursday classes. While at the beginning of the semester I was extremely frustrated by my schedule, I now enjoy it. I even enjoy those three back-to-back classes starting at 8 on MWF for the most part. Well, maybe not on those Fridays after I've gone dancing the night before, but I'm making due. God has tremendously blessed me this semester. He has opened doors for me to minister to people, to really be intentional with the people in my life.

Sure I'm not at 15 hours so I don't stand a chance for Dean's List, but if by taking 14 hours I can really minster to my friends and be there for them, isn't that worth it? I've learned a lot this past month, and I feel so good putting my schooling in God's hands. I trust that he will help me make the grades I need, and that he will give me the opportunities I desire all if I put my trust in him.

God is taking me places in my education I never thought possible. It is so rewarding to see all my classes come together, and feel that I finally understand what I am being taught. While the stress is still there, I just have to take a step back and evaluate my priorities. By not bearing an anxious heart, I am able to conquer the world.

So in short, I'm trusting in God. I'm finally living, and enjoying my days here. It's not all about the tests,  and exasperating professors, but it's about the people. It's about the beauty of a college community where we will succeed. I will amount to something in due time. I'm excited to see where God takes me, because this I know, his plans will always be much sweeter than I can imagine.

A Bad Hand, 3 Years Later

Tonight I can't help but have a heavy heart. A heart that is screaming in prayer and it is nights like these that I am thankful God can understand my heart and soul, because truthfully they speak what my words cannot.

Tomorrow my best friend's mother will undergo a surgery. A routine surgery gone wrong, has left this family with the worst possible hand of cards you could imagine. After struggling for three years and two months, this surgery is necessary so that she, Mary, can return to a normal life. A life where she can visit her daughter at A&M, and watch her youngest daughter carry on through high school. For the past couple of years, she has spent more time in the hospital than out. Through it all  I have watched as my best friend matured and took on her family responsibilities at the mere age of 16. She stepped up and did whatever it took to see that her family carried on.

No one should ever have to go though this type of physical and emotional struggle, but I can say that I have watched as their family has continually grown. Throughout this entire ordeal, they have never quit, or let the circumstances weigh them down, but they always have persevered.

This to me is beyond inspiring, because had the roles been reversed, I know that I would have shut down. Yet, as I look at my best friend today I know the strong woman she is and how she will do whatever it takes to serve her family and our God. She has walked the path less traveled and she has seen more than a fair share of pain and heartache for her life, but she doesn't let it get to her. She continues on.

I am thankful that I have a friend like this to remind me that whatever life throws at you, no matter the cards you're dealt, you still have to play the game. With all of this said, tomorrow is the day that their lives could change. The struggle could end tomorrow with this surgery and I'm asking everyone I know to pray that God will heal Mary.

I  pray that he will guide the doctors' hands, and give them the intelligence to perform the surgery well. I pray that he will comfort the friends and family in the waiting room. I pray that he will strengthen Mary to handle the surgery and come out with flying colors. All of this I pray because I know God is faithful. He will answer our prayers, and we must lie at his feet in petition.

This family is in God's hands and I know that he will take care of them, but I plea with you to do what you can and utter a prayer or multiple prayers throughout your day tomorrow for Mary.

Only the Beginning

As I mentioned in a previous post, I'm going to use my journal to write this post and most likely the others to follow. I'll do my best to italicize excerpts from my journal entries and keep my thoughts to regular font to minimize confusion.

Unlike many of my other posts, I'm just going to write. This post is empty, and I'm simply going to let my thoughts flow. In no way will I be able to convey my emotion or passion, but what I will be able to do is allow you an insight to the many ways God worked during this trip.

So for starters I'll begin with the first full day of the trip and move on from here chronologically. In order to understand the magnitude of the impact the trip had on my heart, I believe you'll have to bear with me as I "watch myself grow."

December 15, 2012

Security is intense. I mean the measures it takes to get on a plane is just quite ridiculous, but at the same time I am thankful that security is as it is, because it ensures our safety. After navigating our way through check-in and security, in which I would like to mention I wan't searched for once!, we just had to sit and wait for our boarding call. Suddenly the fire alarm went off, making a loud commotion and sending flashy lights all over the airport. Thankfully there was no fire, because that could have sure put a damper on our trip! 

Shortly after making our way on the plane...

I would like to revoke my previous statement about not being searched... I was pulled aside with several of my team members to be searched with the dog. I'm pretty sure I scream 'NATIONAL THREAT' when traveling.

To think that these were the first entries about my trip simply humors me now. It was so "me" to be caught up about security and what not. Already I can tell I've grown, because my flight home was so different, but that will come later. So the story continues.

Ok. Already I'm in love with this country! It's beautiful! At the airport, Chris, Walter, and several of the kids picked us up. What a great sight it was to see children who were so excited about our arrival! We loaded our luggage and filed into a 16-passenger van and began traveling through the country. For lunch we stopped at a mall, and were given the option to eat whatever was in the food court. 

I saw McDonalds and Subway, but unlike my usual self, I decided to try my first Nicaraguan dish! Boy was it delicious! 

We loaded up once again and are now on the road to Jinotepe. The scenery is breathtaking. There are volcanoes, I mean ACTIVE volcanoes, and other beautiful landmarks. The poverty here is evident as well. Chris told us how half of the population lives in Managua, the capital, and that startled me! That is just a WHOLE lot of people for one town! 

As we keep driving down the bumpy, dirty roads, I feel like I'm already losing myself in this country. I'm in a new country, a country where I do not speak the language, but I feel at peace. I feel content. My heart is not overwhelmed, but is over run with joy at the days to come.

This was probably one of my very first, and most in depth entries. I laugh now at how quickly I felt comfortable in a foreign country, because truth be told that feeling never left me. RETURNING back to the US felt more like a foreign country. For the rest of the day I was on a high from energy and excitement.

I was in awe. The compound were we stayed was called "Children of the King." To be honest, I whole-heartedly expected to stay somewhere a lot worse than we did! The compound was beyond nice! I felt so rich staying in such a nice place while all around I was surrounded and reminded of the poverty around me.

When I went to take a shower on the first night, I was startled by the freezing water and did my best to shower as quickly as possible. While this might seem like a complaint, to me it was a blessing. In the States I could shower for 10 minutes easy, but by taking a 3 minute shower, I had much more time to devote to the kids, and to my devotions. I miss those cold showers, and I would give anything to be back.

A lot happened the first day, and I journaled EVERYTHING. As the days progressed, I put the journal aside so that memories would embed on my heart, and not on paper. For now I hope this just gives a mere insight to what my first day was like. I look forward to sharing the rest of the trip soon!

God of Healing

"If an opportunity arises, take it. It if has the capability to change your life, let it." 

For the following couple of posts, I am going to do my best to write of my experiences in Nicaragua. I took a journal while I was there, and wrote down almost everything I saw, heard, and felt.

Yet, as I look at it tonight, words simply cannot explain the significance that this trip has already had in my life. Its impact was much more than I thought it would be going in, but thankfully due to God's grace my trip healed me in ways that I didn't even realize I was broken. 

So in order to begin describing my trip, I must begin with a prayer I began praying this summer. That prayer was a difficult one, but I knew that in order to grow in my faith I had to be pushed. I had to be tested.

So I asked for just that. At some point this summer as I worked at Camp Deer Run, I began praying that God would break my heart. I prayed that God would break my heart so that HE could put it back together in a way that would not only make me a stronger Christian, but a stronger person. In such a way, that my new heart he put together would pulse life for Him, and him alone. 

Prayer is a frustrating thing. Just as I thought God wasn't going to meet this request, he threw me for a loop. So much so, that I didn't even realize that he was working or that he was answering my prayer exactly as I had asked for it.

Only now, looking back, do I realize that God indeed answered my prayer; only now does it make sense to me and that all the pieces fall into place. The series of events since this summer were not "simple tests" of faith, but were in fact God's way of breaking my heart.

I had a great first semester. I truly did. A lot of college freshmen can't say that, but I can. I had a healthy balance of school, fun, and church events. Everything seemed to be going my way, but something didn't feel right. By "something didn't feel right" I mean that I always had an uneasy feeling that I wasn't acting like myself. At one point I talked to a close friend about this, and she helped me voice through my concerns. 

For as long as I can remember, my joy, my happiness defined me; as my smile physically defined my face. But this semester, I found that I wasn't always smiling. Not that not smiling is a bad thing, but for me, smiling is what defines my character. It's how I meet, greet, and say goodbye. It is what makes me, me.

While it might not seem like much, to me it was an inner turmoil. It also led me to believe that maybe college was changing me in ways that I wasn't prepared to handle, because if I couldn't smile all the time, who was I? 

In a previous blog, I talked about my hardships this semester. I truly believe now that God was using those hardships to break my heart, along with this unsettled feeling I had.

Anyway, with that background now, I can begin to tell you the healing I felt, I experienced on this trip.

God used this mission trip to put me, put my heart back together. Like I said, I didn't know it until now, but now everything seems to make perfect sense. All this is because our God is a good God, a faithful God who answers prayers. A God whose plans are so much greater than our own, a God who was capable of challenging me, breaking me, so that on THIS trip he could fix me.

For most people, leaving a mission trip, leaving those kids would break their heart. But God used this trip to heal mine. He used the love, the people, and his evident power to heal my heart and to make me stronger. Leaving was beyond difficult, but as will come in some later posts, I know it is only a temporary goodbye.

I will try my best to post as quickly as possible, to collect my thoughts and notes and share them. Still I would love to talk about my trip! It was revolutionary, and truly an opportunity that fixed my life. I look forward to sharing everything, including videos and photos. But for now I just ask that you will pray for my babies, my kids that I left over there in Nicaragua. Pray for their comfort and protection, but most importantly just pray that God will bless them and make his love so SO evident to them.

More Than Conquerors

We are weak. We are broken; yet our strength comes from the Lord. How amazing is it to think that our God has not changed. His power has not diminished over the years. This concept is so hard to grasp considering that we live in a world that as you get older your body weakens, and begins to fail you.  God isn’t like this at all. He has not changed! How amazing is it that OUR God is the same God who healed the lame, opened the eyes of the blind, and sent his son to die on a rugged cross for us. How great is OUR God that he provides us with the strength to overcome the troubles of this world?

Romans chapter 8 talks about Christians being “More Than Conquerors.” Verse 28 “We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him,” in ALL things. Not just the good, the easy times, but in ALL things. He works for good when a loved one loses a fight to cancer after years of treatment; he works for good in all things, even when the world seems to tell you that your life is falling apart. How reassuring is it to know that in every day, in everything God is working in you so that his goodness will be glorified.

Verse 31, “If God is for us, who can be against us?” Doesn’t this one verse say it all? No matter the trouble we face, no matter the number of people who seem to look down on us because of our faith, we can rest knowing that God is for us.

Above all, the last two verses of this chapter always seem to go with me. When I find myself discouraged, I always look to verses 38 and 39, which say that NOTHING can separate us from the love of God. Death, life, demons, or even the world cannot separate us from his unending love. How great is our God, that he will love us no matter what.

I know that in my life I struggle with loving everyone. When I see a loved one hurt because of someone’s actions, it is difficult for me to practice “loving” this person who has hurt someone so close to me. It is difficult for me to love people that have wronged me, and it’s sometimes difficult for me to love those people the world tells me that are “unlovable” such as criminals and whatnot, but at the end of the day I HAVE to remember that as God has loved everyone, so should I. How great is our God that he loves every single one of us. No matter our past or our future, we know that God will always love us and will always have his arms wide open for us to return to him.

If God is capable of loving everyone, so we should practice this love as well. If Jesus Christ died for us, the least we as Christians can do is love everyone even those people that world tells us are “unlovable.”

We as Christians are more than conquerors. We are capable of conquering the world, but in order to do so we must remember the ultimate sacrifice. We also must live in such a way that obeys the commands that God has given us. First and foremost we have to love.