Inadequate
Holding Back.
Nervous.
Paranoid.
Second Thoughts.
Cold Feet.
What do all of these lack? Trust.
I've never been good at patience. Try as hard as I can, I've never successfully mastered the art of patience in waiting for the "bigger picture." Sure I can wait for my food at a restaurant, wait for a friend to get ready, or even practice patience with children, but when it comes to my life plans, I want to know, and I want to know now. Patience is something I struggle with. I want to know where God is taking me now. I want to know the plans that lie ahead. Basically, I want to put myself on the level of God, so that I can know everything. This thinking is wrong, and by trying to "plan" everything in my life, I'm ruining the beauty of the plans God has for me.
I lack true trust in God. It hurts me to admit that I struggle with trust, when I can easily tell everyone to "trust in God" or "let him show you his plans for you." But when it comes to MY life, I don't want to wait. I'm insecure. I feel as if I am inadequate for the things God has called me to do. I hold back, instead of being bold and talking a walk of faith. I'm constantly nervous or paranoid about the simplest things. I question everything. Lastly I have cold feet. I won't lie, I question if the plans for my life will meet the expectations I have for myself. What if God's plans are an alarming reality, that my dreams, my plans, are just not what he has planned for me?
What if I am trying to play god?
I try to plan my life based on what I think is good for me or by what I think I deserve. When in reality, I am entitled to nothing. I try to plan everything in my life, forgetting that each day has its own worries, I simply add on to my burden by carrying the plans, the worries, for tomorrow and the next day and the next...
My burden is heavy. The load I bring upon myself is great. But God has offered to carry my load, IF I am willing to put my trust in him. He is begging me to be patient, to wait and see the beauty of his plan.
My cold feet cause me to question, to doubt, that God's plans are the best. I have no doubt that the Devil is working on my mindset, because why would I ever doubt the God who created me?
God's plans are not guaranteed to be easy or flawless, but we are guaranteed that he will see us through.
I can't help but think of Job. A man who lost everything, but never failed to trust in God. Not once did he curse God, but instead thanked God in times of trouble and in the good times.
Cold feet have the capability to ruin my trust in God, but just as Job did, I am prepared to work harder to trust in God. While I will most likely be a planner all the days of my life, I am prepared to let God take the reins. Putting trust in God, means letting go of myself. It's finally time that I surrender it all to God. I've been holding on to this portion for a long time, not realizing that I was suffering. Today is a new day. A day where I will wholeheartedly trust in God. I will be patient in waiting. I know it won't always be glamourous, but the plans God has for me are guaranteed to be much better than I can even imagine.
