Then You Will Know

For a long period of time in my life, I used to only open my Bible to the New Testament; the only times I read out of the Old Testament was if I was looking at Psalms or Proverbs. I think my tendency to read so frequently out of the New Testament was because it is easier to me. It made sense, the language was more common, and quite frankly I enjoy reading about Jesus and the New Law. However, last spring after attending the VERGE conference in April, I decided to 'reevaluate' my spiritual life. I began praying that I would know and have a better understanding of what faith was. As I began to pray, I couldn't help but feel the Spirit pulling at my heart strings to examine the faith of the individuals of the Old Testament. So I embarked upon the journey of studying and examining such individuals and the ways that God transformed their faith.

This journey is one I hope to continue on for the rest of my life. As I spend more time reading out of the Old Testament, and it becomes more familiar to me, I am starting to enjoy it more and more. The Old Testament is no longer 'intimidating' to me. As I warmed up by studying the popular characters that I had grown up hearing about, I decided at the beginning of the semester to read a book, that wasn't so familiar to me. So I began the journey of reading through the book of Ezekiel. For those of you who have never taken the time to do so, I would recommend it. I think there are so many ways God reveals himself throughout the entire book. Three weeks ago, I finished reading through the entire book. As I finished, I realized that the book of Ezekiel, and a common theme I saw as I read through it, was extremely applicable to my life. A phrase that appears repeatedly throughout the book is one that has stuck with me throughout this semester, 'then you will know, that I am the Lord, your God.' I lost count of how many times God says such a thing to the people throughout the book, but it has to be at least 50. That's right 50 times. So what does that mean to you? Well to me, it meant it was certainly important. God did many things to reveal himself to his people, whether it was through destruction or delivery, he was constantly working so that the people would know that he was the Lord. So, as I do with any scripture I read, I try and relate it back to my life now. Since this summer, I've been making more of an effort to realize what God is doing in my life at this very moment; rather than looking back and realizing weeks later. This semester has been a difficult one, but a good one all the less. I've seen a lot of changes in my life, and more importantly I've grown to recognize that I know God has been at work all a long. When I see success in my new major, I'm reminded and I know confidently that the Lord is my God. He delivered me and carried me through a difficult time when I was trying to follow the plans of my own heart so that one year later  I could recognize and know that he is my God. When I see one of my HYPE kids ask a question about the Bible, or remember a Bible verse, I'm reminded that the Lord is my God. You get it. There have been so many circumstances, conversations, and people that helped me to better know that the Lord is my God. So as I read through the book of Ezekiel, I was thankful that as God helped the people back then to recognize that he was their Lord, he is still able to do the same for me today. 

Then & Now

2 months ago today, I watched as my 6th session campers packed their bags and drove out of the gates of Camp Deer Run. 12 hours later, I would leave, too, with my jeep loaded down with my belongings from the past ten weeks. My cheeks were tear-stained, and I questioned, as I do every summer, how could I possibly go back to the 'real world.' I was afraid, and fearful that I would forget. I'd forget how my heart had been molded; I'd forget memories; I'd forget the 'closeness' I had come to know with God. I was afraid that my 'dependency' on God would translate back into my own independence, the whole "I can do everything on my own" as I came back to Aggieland. That night as I left, I left a part of my heart; every time I leave camp, I seem to leave another piece of it in the piney woods. It is waiting for me I know, and I can feel it every time I return to that holy and beloved ground.

2 months later, I haven't forgotten. Something has been different about my life since this summer. My friendships with my fellow staff seem to have been more deeply rooted, and by this I mean a day doesn't go back that I don't talk to or pray for one of my friends from camp. My campers have been in contact with me more than ever. There's something wonderful about continuing relationships outside of the setting of camp. I love being able to listen, console, and pray for my campers while they are in the real world too. It makes me feel like nothing has changed.  

But everything has changed. I no longer get up at the crack of dawn and begin my day at flagpole devo as I hurriedly try to come up with a phrase or song for my girls to sing to the group leader. I know longer eat three wonderful meals, have three canteens, or have a hot dog roasted over a fire every week. I don't have the pleasure of worshiping in shorts and t-shirts multiple times a day. Instead, I sit in class after class, trying my best to focus on what my teachers are teaching me, all the while my mind is wandering back to the piney woods. I find myself thinking about the times where I couldn't do it anymore, and would spend dinner time crying in the deep freeze, until one of my best friends would come and pray over me. I remember being on so many medications, and asking God why I was becoming more and more ill right in the middle of the summer. As I sit in statistics, I can't help but change my problems into questions relating to camp, I mean what do you think the probability is that I will ever get to kill a snake at camp when it's known I'll most likely see 3 or 4? You get it. My mind wanders back to my home.

So what am I doing? What are you doing sitting in class or working day by day? Are you simply reminiscing and allowing your mind to wander? There have been many times where I catch myself thinking that my work was done the moment I left camp, but that isn't true. Or at least it doesn't have to be! Yes, I am a summer counselor. Yes, it's a summer job, but if you are willing, you can let it overflow into every aspect of your life.

As I left camp this summer, I thought to myself, the things I'll miss most are praying with people, whether it be staff or camper, daily. I'll miss the constant correspondence with my friends. I'll miss my closeness with God. I'll miss my campers. Then it hit me. I don't have to miss these things, when I have the opportunity to make them a day-to-day reality. I can still pray with people while I'm in school. I can text, call, or write my friends. I can seek God and pray that I will continue to draw near to Him. I can most certainly continue to minister to my campers, as I'd urge any counselor to do because honestly it takes more than a week or two to do so properly! I can find other ways to make my summer job year round. I'm involved with HYPE, which gives me the opportunity to teach. I actually had the opportunity to write the curriculum this year, and you can bet that I got my idea for our lessons this semester from camp. Camp comes and goes. It may be the best week, two weeks, or ten weeks of your summer. But the lessons learned at camp can be year-round.

So, it makes it easier. It's easier for me to continue living when I incorporate camp into my every day. Life is short-lived dear friends. It comes and it goes, and I don't have the time to sit around and 'miss camp' or be sad that the summer has ended, when I have the opportunity to continue growing. My junior year is going great. My sister is here now, and she loves college! Praise God for that alone. It is so good to have a piece of home with me here always. I love her eagerness to serve, and it is wonderful to see as God continues to grow our relationship. My classes are wonderful... well not statistics, but who cares about that one anyway. I'm finally in classes where I am learning about things that interest me and will benefit my future in nursing. Something new, I am babysitting a 4 month old now. I love it. This is my first time to work with a baby, and it has been a challenging, but so rewarding job, if you can even call it that. Church is getting better. I'm learning to prepare myself every time I enter the doors. I am overwhelmed with God's faithfulness. I am grateful for my sweet and dear friends who always find a way to lift my spirits and never cease to stop encouraging me. I am overwhelmed with God's goodness, and am finally able to see just how great his plan is for me. 

Summer Reflections

I've had 20 days. 20 days to reflect, recover and rediscover who I want to be. In 20 days my life has changed from a full-time summer counselor living in a hot, un-airconditioned cabin in the piney woods of East Texas, to a life where I am back sitting in class trying not to become overwhelmed with school and the many activities I have going on. It's crazy to me just how much life has changed in such a limited amount of time, but I am thankful for the time I have had to process the events of the summer. It is such reflections, such self-discoveries that I am excited to finally write about.

The Lord our God did wonderful things this summer. I am sure many campers were impacted, but I, too, felt and bore witness to the ways that God molded and strengthened my heart.  It was in my weakest moments, the times where I felt most vulnerable that God did some of his best work in my opinion. In 2 Corinthians, "for my power is made perfect in weakness" has always been a statement that I hold dear to my heart. I take joy in knowing that God can make something beautiful out of my biggest flaws and insecurities, that in the ashes I make of my life, God's beauty can still be seen. It is such idea that I shared with my girls over the course of the summer. Through my 5 weeks of counseling in particular, I tried to share with my girls the ways that God worked through my past mistakes, through my weaknesses. I strongly believe in open honesty with my campers, and I believe that by sharing in my struggles with my campers it created a trust that is still evident today. Actually, I don't believe,  I know. I know that in moments where I bore my heart with campers, that they were encouraged to open up too. I know that in a moment where I couldn't handle any more 'girl drama' that God was using such petty drama as a gateway for me to hear and see a deeper struggle within my 14 year old's life back home. It always appeared to me this summer that in the moments where I wanted to wave my white flag and surrender, those moments where I couldn't handle anything else, the breaking moments, that God used my campers to reach me in a powerful way. The breaking moments, were always the times were God so evidently touched my heart, and taught me the biggest lessons. In my weakest times, God's power was always made known to me, because I knew that it wasn't me. It wasn't me bringing out the struggles being faced, or the revelations that were being made in the lives of my campers, it was God. God used me as an instrument, and in my weakest times, the times I wanted to quit, his power was made known to me and to the campers I was working with.

As I'm writing this, a particular memory from the summer is coming to mind. Some of you know that at the end of 4th session I began to get sick with the typical summer 'crud' that all of the staff seems to get at some point or another. 2 weeks later I was still sick and decided to go to the doctor, and I was diagnosed with bronchitis in addition to a sinus infection. A day after I received my diagnoses, I learned I would be counseling W6 for the final session of camp. My body was worn, and emotionally I wasn't sure how I would be able to handle it, but I trusted that God would carry me through. Also, I trusted that with prescription drugs I'd be fine in a matter of days. Well, as always my plans came crashing down around me in flames. Instead of recovering, I only grew more sick. All the while I had 11 girls looking to me to make their week at camp the most memorable, and most were looking to me for advice, emotional support, and to simply listen to the struggles in their lives. Satan was attacking me with feelings of disappointment and attacking me with lies of inadequacy. I was so sick, and I felt like I was doing a disservice to my girls by not being able to fully serve, teach, and love them due to my physical limitations. I mean it was hard trying to listen to 11 girls, and then teach them a cabin Bible when I was having a huge coughing fit every ten minutes. But even then, even in my body's physical weakness, the Lord carried me through. I am hesitant to say I made it through, because that has such a negative connotation. Yet, I did. I not only finished the race, but I was able to minister to 11 girls who were each hurting in unique ways. I faced challenges in this one week that I had never heard or dreamed of. I had never had a cabin until this point, where every single girl had something so significant and so destructive in their life. It was heart-breaking, but at the same time I loved watching as the Lord healed scars. Hearts were healed, courage was found, and sins were buried. While Satan attacked me, I saw God's power, and I fought back. While my body failed me, and my hopes for good health for the final week were burned, I saw God bring beauty of such ashes of my health. While I may have been ill, God still entrusted me with 11 girls whose lives were changed. Oh how I wish they knew the lessons they taught me in that week too!

So that is simply one memory, and if I were to recall them all, I'd never be able to finish. So in 20 days this has been the central focus and something I am encouraging myself to remember throughout the year. I never want to forget the summer, the lessons learned, the campers, the memories, and most importantly the way God changed my heart. He strengthened me, and helped me to learn that my weaknesses are still used for his glory. For when I am weak, then I am strong. Praise God for using me to glorify his kingdom!

Why...

Seven weeks behind me and three to go. Even now I find it hard to believe just how quickly the weeks have come and gone. It makes me sad to think the majority of my summer lies in the past, but even then, I think of all the wonderful things God has done for camp, for my campers, and for me and I am filled with satisfaction and joy. While my cup overflows with joy, at the same time I find myself asking why too. Why do my campers have to go back to crummy home lives with parents that hurt them? Why did I have only 8 days to teach a camper about Jesus when she had never heard his name before? Why do I listen and cry with campers over broken lives, and imaginable pain? Why do these things and more happen? Why does it hurt me so much to hear, listen, and help my campers carry these burdens? Why do I have such a limited time with my campers and then have to send them back to the cruel, broken world where they struggle and fight temptation, the same world that I too fear returning too? Then I ask myself, "why do I question God?" What right do I have to ask 'why?' when my God has called me to trust Him and he has entrusted me with this wonderful opportunity and these campers? When the times get hard, I have to take a minute to remember that I am not alone. I remind myself that the cross signifies the suffering of the world. I remind myself that my Lord sent his only Son to die on the cruel cross. I remember that no one can look at God and ask why he doesn't understand our pain, because he too knows what it is like to suffer. He too has suffered with us, and has experienced pain. His only Son was separated from him, and in a firsthand experience, God watched as his Son died on a cruel cross to atone for our sins. God knows what suffering is.  The cross is a testimony, a living example, that it is not sinful to be in pain. Even upon the cross Jesus called out, "Why have you forsaken me?" (Matthew 27:46) If Christ called out, then is it wrong if I call out too? Is it a horrible thing for me to ask why, to ask God to make his purpose known to me? I also can't help but think of Job. A man who lost everything, a man who knows what true suffering is. I think of his example, and how even through suffering God redeemed him. So with all of this said, I don't feel as guilty for asking why. Instead I think of 'why' as a way for me to search for God's purpose in all things. I think of 'why' as a way for me to sympathize and be compassionate, because if I didn't ask why, would I even be doing a good job? If I didn't ask 'why' would I truly be doing my best to help my campers, because when I ask why I find myself turning to the Lord. I turn to the Lord and while I will never know why, I do find comfort in knowing that God knows what it feels like. He knows what suffering is, and to me that is of greatest comfort.

Even in exhaustion, God still is at work

It's that time of year again. The time where I am constantly wet and sticky between a combination of big spray and sweat. That time of year where my hair is always wet, and I don't know if it's because of the creek, the pool, sweat or the cold shower I just took. It's the time where my makeup is thrown under my bed and stays there for a majority of the ten weeks, and that alone makes me happy. Somehow in the midst of all these things the true condition of my heart and soul is revealed to me. It's not an easy time, because I serve as a funnel to hundreds of children, constantly giving everything I have to help these kids. Somewhere in the middle God teaches me a few things about myself as well. Already God is at work. I always expect to start seeing the 'aftermath' of his handiwork later in the summer, but this year he has humbled me and made his way known to me. I don't know why I always assume that as the summers progress and with this being my third year that I'd be 'used' to the exhaustion. Maybe it's because I'm getting older, or maybe it's because I've really grown to know how to reach my campers, but it's only the start of the 4th week and I feel pretty empty. This session has brought it's challenges, and quite frankly I love that. I love that I am able to lean on God and watch as he molds me and makes me stronger. I love witnessing as God speaks through me to comfort or reach a camper. I love being able to hold his children, and comfort them as they cry. I love praying with my girls continually. I love all of these things, but ultimately they exhaust me. As I try to help my girls carry their burdens, I find myself weighed down with my own baggage too. I am convinced that God uses these times to help me grow in my own walk too. In my exhaustion, whether it be emotional, spiritual, or physical, God reveals to me the beauty of my raw heart. He exposes my inmost being, and reminds me who he has called me to be. So as I see God answer prayers for my campers, as I see them make the decision to put Christ on in baptism, or as I see as two sisters come together I rejoice. I rejoice that in my exhaustion, God still reveals his holiness and his faithfulness. Last night was one of those nights. I have been praying this session for a cabin unity along with specific prayers for individuals. Last night, I felt myself running from camper to camper trying to be there for each of them as they needed me to the point where I had to sit down and simply cry out of emptiness. I had to thank God that while I was exhausted and feeling like I had nothing to give, that he was continuing to fill me up. He continued to give me words and almost like a calming whisper he told me to keep pressing, so I did. As I kept on going, I watched as God answered my prayers. I watched as my girls came together in new light. So I thank God for emptiness. I thank God that even in those moments when I simply need to sit, cry and pray, he can still use me. This session isn't over yet, and I can tell that my cabin has reached a pivotal point. Praise be to God!

The Perfect Love

I don't pretend to know a lot about love, but with 10 15-17 year olds that's all they want to talk about. First kiss stories, the ideal date, and such ideas of everlasting love that every teenager desires are the conversations that fill my cabin nearly every day.
"Katelyn who are you attracted to? What should we look for in a relationship?"
 Such questions overwhelm me, because I'm not an expert. I haven't maintained a relationship for more than four months because quite frankly I used to stink at it. I used to not understand how to love people because for a long time I, myself, thought I was unlovable. I am unworthy of the love that my Savior shows me, and so I struggled for a long time to fight such feelings that the Devil filled my head with. Quite frankly I am lovable. I am desirable. I am wanted by the King, my Creator, the very God who sent his own son to die for me. It took me a long time to realize this, and I get frustrated even today when for a moment I let the Devil have a foothold. When the Devil makes his way into my thoughts and for a minute convinces me that no one would ever want me, I turn to God. It is through God that I know I am loved and that I can see the most beautiful love story. No, Jesus doesn't take me on a late night picnic and stargaze with me in the bed of the perfect truck as my girls most certainly wish he would, but he did something even better. He died for me, and for every single one of my girls. He died so that I could have the opportunity to teach them that true love doesn't look like a perfect first kiss, or a perfect date, but instead looks like acts of selflessness. Perfect love empowers you to be all that you can possibly be. It doesn't hinder you, discourage you, but instead it builds you up. I am grateful that I have had the opportunity to share this with my girls this far into the session. I am thankful that I am able to love on them, and help them realize that no matter what happens to them in life or what they do, they are lovable. It has been such a blessing to teach and show them how perfect love isn't of this world, but instead is something that is eternal. What began in death and resurrection, will end with an eternity with our Savior. That to me is the perfect love that I am trying to teach my girls this week.

Halfway There

Today, Monday, was a harder day. Well at least it seemed that way to me. It could be that yesterday we simply went to church and the beach, so back on the work grind could've simply been why it seemed harder. Like usual we got up early, hiked to the top of prayer mountain and had a devo of sort followed by time for prayer, reading or meditation. Our 'lesson' today centered on what keeps us from full-heartedly giving ourselves to God. What holds us back? Something Clay said really registered with me this morning. He said a lot of people are afraid that by giving everything to God they'd end up living in a hut in Africa. This didn't register with me because I, too, am afraid of living in Africa, no quite the opposite. I spent 30 minutes asking God why I haven't strongly considered making work like this a permanent lifestyle? If I am one the few individuals willing to embrace a 'hut in Africa' why haven't I already done it? While I sat there overlooking the valley of the mountain I couldn't help but think that God has given me an opportunity to pursue my education and truly make something out of it. As ready as I am to pack my bags, I can't really offer anything than manual labor. I have no income, no trade, and am on no way prepared enough to communicate. With that said, I was filled with the excitement that one day if I continue pursuing me education I will be ready. I fully understand God doesn't call the prepared, but prepares the call, but I think it would be a disservice to all involved should I quit school and move to another country at only 20 years old. Props to you that have done it though! So instead I pray God gives me an open window. I pray he gives me the knowledge and discernment to know when the time is right. Call me and I will go. Our meditation this morning was wonderful, and it got me thinking and praying for my future, but that was only the start of the day. Afterwards we ate another delicious breakfast and we had to wait around for a while. We got a later start because we were waiting to see if we needed to take a mechanic with us to Las Pitas. Don't hold me to that spelling because I'm not from here haha. Anyway with the trip being two hours, we wanted the first set of people to get there and try to fix the generator so in case they couldn't fix it we could bring him along. Turns out the mechanic wasn't needed, and we rolled out about two hours than usual. Two hours doesn't seem like much, but when you consider that we usually have finished half of our work and are eating lunch, our late arrival set us back. Upon our arrival, Hector surprised us with a treat. La gorobo (sp?) aka lizard. We ate our lizard tacos which were fantastic and then set about our work. Today we did a lot of the work without our main constructor. So it was kinda chaotic. We couldn't find the tools we needed and so on. Also it was significantly hotter today compared to our usual morning work schedule. Regardless, we finished our two outhouses. The process may have been chaotic, it may have included Cason accidentally pouring cement all over me and my hair (which I really hope comes out before I come home for the wedding) and it most certainly included good food, but regardless we finished the jobs and left with many thanks from the families. Today was also unique because I had the opportunity to sit down with Jarrod's wife and discuss the work she does in the clinic. She is a Nurse Practitioner and manages the clinics run by Mission Lazarus. In our thirty minutes talking I learned a lot. I learned of the struggles she faces financially, the difficultly of getting the prescription medications she needs, and also I learned about how she is in the process of 'revamping' their clinics. By this I mean that she is in the process of making the patients have more privacy all the while training locals the art of running the clinic. The way she spoke, and the passion she has for this work gave me chill bumps. It was almost as if God was whispering in my ear or that the Spirit was nudging me or preparing me. What she said next was truly no other than God answering a prayer from earlier that morning. She said that while they don't have a need for interns, she was considering have a student come down in the summers to assist her in the clinic. Preferably a future nurse. Bingo she said it. My eyes lit up and without a second thought I said such an opportunity would be right up my alley. I told her I would love to be considered and that I would be in contact with her should she decide to go through with such 'position' for next summer. Now if it ends up working out, who knows but God? I don't need to know details or have a set in stone plan, because nothing about mission work is set in stone, but in that moment I saw God opening a window that I prayed for this very morning. So while today's work was hard, my soul and heart were filled to the brim. We serve a faithful God, one who loves His people more than we can imagine. When I was filled with doubt and uncertainty, he reassured me that I'm on the right path. My day to come and serve people like this everyday will be here before I know it. For now we have a two hour trip home and then hopefully I can pick the concrete out of my hair and off my skin.