Taking Life for Granted

"What did you do for Spring Break?!"

A simple question we all ask and all respond to without doubt or question. It's a societal norm and we are expected to partake in it. So like I had been doing with all of my friends, I asked one of my HYPE 2nd graders today what she did over her break. When she replied nothing, I dug a little deeper until she said she just stayed at home and watched tv. This was nothing out of the normal for her, so I let her be and didn't ask any further questions. A minute later though she turned to me with the biggest smile I had ever seen on her face and said:

"MISS KATELYN!!! I almost forgot!!! We went to a restaurant! Cheddar's!!! And I got fish and chips!"

Wow. Her enthusiasm almost made me sick with guilt because I didn't realize just how big a deal such occurrence as going out to eat was to one of my precious children. With my own recent trip to Tennessee in my mind, I had forgotten that such a simple thing to me, is a huge deal to her. To see her joy from simply going to a restaurant, and most likely getting a kid's plate made me saddened by the way I view life. Anything less than a fabulous trip or quality time with my family would probably have me disappointed, wishing I was able to go somewhere farther or eat something better. Yet, my second grader humbled me today. She opened my eyes to just how much I take for granted the material things in my life. I can't recall the last time I got so excited about eating out, and that's probably because I do so several times a week. But to her, one time going out to eat over Spring Break was more than enough to fill her week with joy and adventure.

I'm saying this to myself, because I don't want to keep getting used to life so much so that it takes more and more to excite me. No, I want to be like my 2nd grader who found such enthusiasm in life because she got to go out to eat. I want to take joy in the little things, the meals I eat every day, the laughs I share with friends, and the family members that fill my heart with joy.

In 1 Peter 4:7 it says, "Everything in the world is about to be wrapped up, so take nothing for granted." I don't want to become used to things in life, and come to expect them. I don't want to take anything for granted or ever cross a line where I feel entitled to anything. So today I was humbled, and while it hurt my heart for a minute I smiled because once again God has taught me a lesson in the most beautiful of ways.

She then turned to me with her smile still on her face and asked me what I did over the break. I smiled back and said, "Well sweetheart, I got to eat at Chick-fil-A with my family." 

She laughed and continued to smile, and I thanked God for the lessons I learn from my HYPE kids. 

Running the Race

I will never forget this moment. I was
so happy to have finished!

Many of you already know, but yesterday I was able to accomplish something that was quite significant to me: I ran my first half-marathon. I realize that to many people this wouldn't seem like an accomplishment, but for me it was so much more than simply running 13.1 miles. It was a goal I set in September when I registered, and I have been working and training in order to be prepared for the race. It wasn't an easy road; I started in August not being able to run a half mile without huffing and puffing, but through dedication and much help from God I was able to run 13.1 miles yesterday!

I'm a goal-driven person, and that is one quality I love about myself. I see a need, or I set a goal, and I will do anything to accomplish it. With that said, this half-marathon was much more significant than proving to myself that I could beat my body into believing I had been an athlete for 20 years. For one thing, it was special to me because when I was little my parents would parade my sister and I all over the state to cheer my dad on as he ran marathons. A long time has passed from then, but I never felt more proud to pick up a hobby that was so special to my dad. 

In college my friends have
began to call me Gambi, so
it made sense to put that as my
name right? Also, it was really
neat because 622 happens
to be my Pawpaw's birthday! :)

I chose my half-marathon because of its cause. Hosted in Waco, Miracle-Half was hosted by the Waco Fire Department and the proceeds were donated to Be the Match. So yesterday, not only did I finish the race, but I also registered to be a donor should I ever be found to be a match. Honestly it somewhat terrifies me that any day I could get a call saying I'm a match and then have to undergo a painful surgery, but if that's what it takes to save a life, it'd be worth it to me.

My support team. Love them!

My race yesterday was difficult. It's called one of the toughest half-marathons and marathons for the gruesome hills. I'd be lying if I told you I didn't have tears in my eyes as I ran miles 7-10 because it was constantly steep hills followed by painful speed downwards, just to climb right back up again. Other than the gruesome hills, I loved it! We ran through Baylor's campus, then down by the

Still smiling at mile 5!

river and even through the zoo. I was really looking forward to the zoo, but unfortunately the only thing I saw was an eagle. All throughout the race, every mile was dedicated to either a donor or recipient of Be the Match. It truly touched me to see at several water stations pictures were posted of the recipients, and strangely just seeing some of
the kids and adults that had been given life, gave me the strength to keep pushing on. I am blessed to be able to run, and so I ran for those who couldn't.

Nana & Pawpaw made their way from Austin
to come watch me. Love you two!

Before the race, my dad led my family in communion. He then read the infamous scripture about running the race for the Lord, and as cheesy as it was, it was truly encouraging to know that I was running for more than a prize, but I was running for the Lord. I loved having my family pray over me before I began my race, and their support is probably the main reason I was able to cut off almost 2 minutes off every mile yesterday. 

There is a scripture in Habakuk that I have grown to love. 

“Look at the nations and watch—

and be utterly amazed.
For I am going to do something in your days
that you would not believe,
 even if you were told."  Habakuk 1:5

Finish line in sight!

I love this scripture so much because we are promised by God great things, things that we cannot even imagine. If you had told me a year ago I would run a half-marathon, I would have laughed much like Sarah did in the Bible when she was told she'd bear a child. A year ago it would have been impossible to me, because I had never set foot in the rec for more than to cheer my friends on in basketball. But in a matter of 4 months I trained my body for a race that I'll remember for the rest of my life. I am excited to keep running and training, because it has grown to be something I love. It's my hope that one day I'll be able to use my hobby to race and raise money for an organization. I don't know if I'll ever be able to accomplish such a goal, but I know that in all things God will lead me. It's my prayer that I dedicated so much time to training, to beating my body down to build it up, that I will be able to do the same in my walk with God. There are far better things beyond this world, and it is my hope that I can truly begin running in my race for Heaven. As urgent as I am in running, it is my hope that I can have the same urgency, passion, and dedication to my walk with God.  With God all things are possible, and all glory goes to Him alone for carrying me through this experience. One down, many to go! 

Remember the Stars

I was baptized on June 28, 2006, but honestly I would say I truly began living for Christ began four years later. I've told the story a hundred times, but after a trip to Europe, I returned home to only switch sessions at Camp Deer Run. Switching from 2nd to 4th was a difficult experience for me; I suppose you could say it was the first time I truly found myself relying on God. But ever since those two weeks, I've been a different person. I've learned to truly be a woman of God who seeks after God's heart. So as I always do near the end of the year, I reflect on my life. Where has God brought me since that summer and so I would like to share with you some of my milestones. That summer, the summer of 2010, my counselor told us to always remember the stars. And every time I look at the stars, I do remember. I remember the person I was or the person that I could've been, but because of those 12 days, I am a completely different individual. So, I like to see how far I've come and relive the highlights of the past three years. This is the story of my life, and it is probably more for my benefit than yours. What is life if you don't take the time to recall the frozen past?

This picture is the first picture taken after a night of fire and prayer that transformed my heart forevermore. Every two week session, on the middle Sunday, we have All Night Prayer. All throughout the night, cabin after cabin wakes up and gathers around the fire for a special time of prayer. It is always a 'breakthrough' moment as a cabin of 10 girls truly shares their hearts and comes together in Christ. So as a broken 16 year-old consumed with fitting in with high school, I poured out my heart that night with my sisters in Christ. I had never known what it was like to truly be myself, and for the first time I had peace in knowing that I didn't have to pretend anymore. People would love me and care for me. So when this picture was taken two days later, it has always served as a reminder to me that I no longer have to wear a mask. I can be myself and let my true joy in Christ radiate throughout everything I do.

My junior year was by far my favorite year of high school. It was difficult, but it was my favorite for a number of reasons. I loved Friday Night Football, and I loved that my best friends and I began a gardening business called UnPEAlievable. I began taking college classes in five week hybrids, and my friends and I probably spent a hundred dollars on McDonald's cinnamelts and french fries every week. We had a fake baby and we named her Trudy, and as part of a school project we fed her and cried when she cried in the middle of the night. It was my first prom, and I went with my best friends. We went to state in basketball. Every week was filled of joy, and I thanked God constantly for transforming my life. These precious memories have always stayed with me.

Karly and I during
SHINE our freshmen
year at A&M.

The  next summer at Camp Deer Run was my final summer as a camper. Sure it was full of lasts as a camper, but I saw it more as a time to truly work on my friendships. In two weeks, Karly and I took our friendship to a new level. We shared our hearts and struggles, and of course laughed a lot. One memory from Outcamping will always stick with me. Karly and I decided we could 'rough it' and didn't sleep on the tarp, so we set up our camp a few yards away from the others girls. On the way to our sleeping bags one night, Karly stepped in dog poop and we spent the night hysterical as we cleaned her shoe, and then basically slept in the dirt. No shower ever felt better after those two nights in the woods. My friendship with Karly began at my favorite place in the world when my favorite counselor and group leader introduced us, assuring me we would become best friends. It didn't happen immediately, but slowly I watched as God blessed our friendship. My senior year we wrote letters every week, and I even had the opportunity to visit her. My friendship with Karly is more proof that changing sessions at Camp Deer Run in 2010, was truly the hand-work of God.

My parents

Senior Year was bitter-sweet. It was filled of lasts, and I made sure to appreciate every single one. I loved that I spent my last year at home getting closer to my parents and grandparents, all the while making memories with my high school friends. I spent every Thursday at my grandparents going fishing and simply valuing their wisdom and this is by far my favorite memory. I also love that I actually befriended my parents, and that I took time to make a relationship with  my mom and dad. My senior year was a year of material blessing as we had finally moved into our new house, and I got my first car. I remember asking God how he could bless me so much, but I never took it for granted. I will always cherish my hometown, and the generosity of my small community.

Maryn, Kiele, and I on our first staff weekend.

As I graduated, I embarked upon a journey that I had dreamed of ever since I was a little girl. Two days after graduating, I fully embraced my role as a counselor at Camp Deer Run. For 10 weeks I lived in the piney woods, and I loved every minute. I witnessed the power of prayer, and the power of our God to bring people together in such unity I never knew. As the summer drew to a close, I could tell I was a different woman, more mature in my faith. I am so thankful that I spent my summer before college at camp.

Saying goodbye was so much harder than I expected it to be.

College was everything I had wanted and hoped it would be and so much more. Yes, I faced many valleys, many of which I still struggle to pull myself out of, but by far the good times surpass the bad. My classes are difficult, and it is so much harder than I thought it would be to be seperated from my family. I don't call or write nearly enough, but I hope that my family, including my church family, can realize just how much they mean to me. I don't come home without reason, so sorry everyone! I am completely in love with A&M and my life there. I am part of Aggies for Christ, which has provided me so many opportunities. I enjoy my weekend trips and my Weeklong to Fosters; but what I love most is HYPE and the many service opportunities that AFC has offered me. I have traveled to Nicaragua, and spent my Christmas break there working with a organization called With One Hope. Last Christmas, when I traveled to Nicaragua was one of many highlights in my spiritual life. I left that trip with a new heart, filled to the maximum with love for children that I couldn't even speak to. I learned a story of love that I had never learned before, and I will always cherish my 8 days in Nicaragua. Through AFC, I have also made my best friends. I learned what it is like to have friends who share your faith, your passion, for Christ and am so blessed to see them almost every day of the week.

My precious girls from 6th session 2013.

 While AFC has helped me grow in my faith, I have also grown from my continued role as counselor at Camp Deer Run. Returning for a second summer, one that was more difficult than the first, I learned a lesson of enduring in trials. I witnessed the miracle of prayer, and I was able to witness as God worked in not only my heart, but as he worked on the hearts of my precious campers. Camp Deer Run 2013 had a theme of 'Praise His Name' and just like our theme, I had to learn to truly Praise God through everything. With difficult campers, like the homesick girl who would not cooperate, or learning to praise God as I sent a camper back to an abusive home after we had exhausted every option, I had to learn to Praise God. It was a beautiful lesson for me and I know that it was definitely preparation for the semester at school to follow.

Volunteering at St. Joe's

While I have spent a majority of my time on the 'highlights' I have faced my valleys too. I have struggled with feelings of loneliness, even when surrounded by so many friends. I have struggled in the classroom feeling as if I was not adequate enough to be studying at this awesome university. But even through these valleys, I have found myself learning and growing from these experiences. I have come to trust God in a new sort of confidence, and I have full trust that HIS plan is greater than I could have expected. I have learned the hard way, in a humbling way, that I have been pursuing my own success over God's. So with that said, I am changing my major to pursue a career as a nurse. Yes, I finally made a decision about my life, and this time I'm fully trusting God and not turning back. I am volunteering at the hospital and by loving my patients and working with the staff, I have full confidence now that this is a field of medicine that God has called me to. I look forward to the opportunities I will have in the nursing profession, and it is my prayer that it will lead me overseas for mission work. Another change in my life has been my recent interest in training for half-marathons, and hopefully one day I will run a full-marathon. I've gone from couch potato, to a dedicated runner… well it's what I call myself at least. Running has become a way for me to step back from my stressful classes, and truly release my energy into something positive.

These are the girls who have made my college experience so wonderful!

My life has changed so much over the past three years, and I thank God every day that it has. I believe that every day I'm growing closer to my Creator. While I struggle and fall short, I have not stopped pursuing a relationship with him. I thank God every day for the people who stand beside me in this journey. I thank him for a supportive family, and for grandparents who are always quick to build me up and encourage me. I thank God for my two roommates Alex and Lucie, and Alex's fiancé, Jaxon, who are always there to offer advice, and are so patient when I 'slack' on the dishes. I also thank God that they don't get too mad when I am always soaking my feet in the tub haha.  I thank God for allowing me to develop a closer relationship with my high school friend, Holly, because I would not be where I am today without her honesty. I thank God for my friends Amber, Kelsi, Karly, Tabitha, Kambry and Kassie, because I realize it truly is a blessing to be surrounded by so many Christian woman who are slow to speak and quick to listen. Their accountability and friendship has carried me through so much this semester. There are so many other friends I thank God for. I thank him for the freshmen class, who are so energetic and passionate for the Lord. I thank God for the guys in my life, the ones who will help me when my tires are low in pressure, the ones who will eat my pies, and the ones who will study with me and pray with me when I'm struggling in a class. I have been beyond blessed with my friends in College Station.

We called ourselves the CULT, Christians Undertaking Life Together
in high school. This picture was taken the day our first member,
Brea, got engaged. (Hayley is not pictured, but I just wanted
to make sure she was included as well)

I am also thankful for my high school friends; while we have all gone our different ways, we still talk at least once a week. We are growing up, and that is clearly evident as several of my close friends have become engaged. The first weekend of this semester Holly, Lucie and I returned home to surprise Brea at her engagement party. It is crazy to think that just two years ago we were sitting in calculus, and now we are planning a wedding. These girls will always hold a special place in my heart, because throughout high school we went through things together that I could have never imagined. Yet, we held true to ourselves and our beliefs. We were a support system, a safe haven of sort, and at the end of the day they we will always be The Cult.

I thank God for the opportunities to meet new people. I have met so many people over the past two years, and every single person has contributed to my journey. Even if we no longer talk, or see each other, everyone I have met has contributed in some way or another to where I am today. I could go on forever with memories from my college experience thus far. How much I love football games, or how I love that every time I'm in the library I am bound to see at least one person I know. I could go on about how much I struggled this semester, emotionally and spiritually, but I am so grateful for God for always being there for me. I have laid my life down at the foot of the cross, and God is blessing me. 2010-2013 has been filled with ups and downs, as I know the rest of my life will be, but one thing I am sure of, is that my God will never leave me.

So as my counselor told me in 2010, I remember the stars. Every night that I take notice of the stars, I say a silent prayer thanking God for changing my life that summer. I thank him for changing my luke-warm faith into something so much sweeter and stronger than I ever expected it could be. I thank God for blessing me with friends and family that have supported me in the many endeavors that my faith has led me to. So what now? I keep striving to be better tomorrow than I was today. I have so many dreams, and I can only imagine the places that God will take me. Our God is good, and I am beyond blessed to be called his child and his servant. 

Dying to Self

Every day I want to lay my crown at the feet of the Jesus, delaying the instant  gratification of my selfish desires so that I may be able serve someone so much greater than myself.

So I set upon a quest, to die every day to myself. Every day I want to rise asking God how I can serve him, rather than telling God what he can do me for. I want to rise up, and bow down at the feet of Jesus, much like the song we sing in church, There's a Stirring.

This past weekend I took the windy roads home to Camp Deer Run. While the weather was scary, and at times I was driving 30 mph with my windshield wipers goings as fast as they could, I couldn't help but keeping driving. The piney woods of Camp Deer Run were whispering my name and for a number of reasons.

Camp has always been the one place I can go to step back and evaluate my life. It's my get away, because for some reason when you are disconnected from the world everything appears much clearer. While I'll admit I was stressed to be going back since I have 4 tests this week, the Holy Spirit continued to work on my heart until I was pulling in the gates, confident that I had made a right decision.

I've said it before, but this semester has truly been the most difficult one I've had yet. Not only have I struggled with my classes, but I have wrestled with God about what I want to do with the rest of my life. So this weekend, our director encouraged us to evaluate our life, almost as if he knew that was the primary reason why I was there. I had to get away from school, from College Station, to make some decisions.

Throughout the weekend we had several devotions, but one in particular stuck with me. This life I have been given, isn't about me. It's not about you either, but it's about serving God, our Creator. It's not about me. It's not about the struggles I have faced, but my life is being used to glorify a greater being. As I have wrestled with God every day this semester I have brought my requests to him, begging him to lead me, instead of asking him how I can serve him. I have selfishly been begging God for direction, when it has already been given to me.

Throughout 2 Corinthians 4, Paul speaks of our treasures in jars of clay. "We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may be revealed in our body."

How amazing is our God to chose us to serve as his vessels, his instruments to testify to his goodness?! We are chosen to die to ourselves so that we can reveal the life of Jesus Christ. Outwardly we are wasting away, but yet God is renewing us, and using us to show himself. "For our light and momentary troubles are achieving us a greater eternal glory that far outweighs them all." Ya times are hard, but I have a bigger promise, an eternity with Jesus in Heaven.

So this brings up delay of gratification, which I am so thankful Janelle spoke to us about this weekend. We are called to die to ourselves, which means dying to our instant gratification. Because if we wait and delay it, we will one day be satisfied with the greatest reward of all.  So we set out to die to ourselves every day. By dying to ourselves, we are glorifying a greater purpose, which will more so much more rewarding.

Like I said, there's something about the piney woods that has a special power of healing hearts, and giving me clarity. I was so blessed and encouraged this weekend, which was what my soul was desperately needing. As Thanksgiving approaches, I truly thank God for Camp Deer Run and for the special place it will always hold in my heart.

The Fight

Over the past week, I have have found myself getting knocked down, getting up just to get knocked down again. Really I imagine it much like a classic fight scene in a movie. You know the one where the two guys are fighting and as soon as one throws a good blow, he's returned one back in the gut, and it continues over and over again? Ya, that's been my life. Last week I had four tests, and I know I have no place to complain because I guarantee you, there are hundreds of students in the same position as me with several difficult tests, papers to write, and all sorts of nonsense that college professors throw at us and laughingly walk away as we try to juggle it all. I will admit, I am becoming a better juggler, but I still struggle as a test taker. One by one, each test I took gave me a good punch in the gut, until finally on Thursday I was on my knees, done with the fight. Especially after the punch Organic Chemistry gave me, you might just call that one a black out, but I'm not saying these things for pity, or for you to feel sorry for me. I'm saying it because that's what life does. It gives us several hard punches, and then it's up to us how we go about fighting. I'm guilty of sometimes giving us, and throwing a Katelyn Pity Party for one, because sometimes I don't understand why or what I'm fighting for. Then there are the days where I like to give life a big punch back in the face, like today, where I wrote three lab reports, made a 100 on a quiz, and finally managed to pick a topic for a disease research paper. Days like today are easy, but in a college world the problem is that these good days don't come as often as the stressful days. The days where we feel inadequate, where we struggle to pass, get to class, and even struggle to see the good.

And that's a problem. When we forget to see the good, when we forget to see how GREAT our God is and we forget to see blessings and not problems, we fall. We fall right into a self-pity party for one. A party so overwhelmed by the ways of the world that we forget to turn to God for help. Lately I have been reading through the book of Isaiah. What my focus has been is taking some of the prophets from the Old Testament, and looking at how they dealt with life. Let's be honest, life has never been easy for anyone, and so why not use the greatest book of all time to learn to navigate it better? Anyway, as I was reading through Isaiah 66, what I took from this chapter is somewhat a stretch, but I truly think it applies to every single one of us. God will not cause pain, without allowing something to be born of it. We all go through hard times, through hard tests, or even struggling as medical tests come back and they aren't what we had hoped, what we had been praying for for months. We all get bad news from our friends, we all have reason upon reason to be discouraged. But God promises us that he will be there for us. He will hold our hand as we navigate through life's punches, and if we allow him to, he will show us the good in the bad.

God is good all the time, was a saying I had my campers repeatedly say every day at Deer Run this summer, and I foolishly forgot it myself. But today I remembered. I remembered that God is good, even if I failed an organic test. God is good because today he humbled me, and helped me realize that once again I have found myself trying to make MY plans for my future His, when it should be the other way around. God is good, because he always provides. God is good because he does comfort me when I feel like I can't take life's punches, and he provides me the strength to fight back. God is SO good, and I have forgotten to take time to realize that. No matter the punches life throws at us, our God is still bigger and is still better than them all. He is the ultimate fighter, and his son died for us so that we could spend an eternity with him.

Now, tell me that news doesn't build you up and give you the strength you need to make it through tomorrow? I know that I'm ready to keep fighting, because my God is good, and if I allow him too, he will show me his goodness in all things.

Letting Go

"To let go isn't to forget, not to think about, or ignore. It doesn't leave feelings of anger, jealousy or regret. Letting go isn't winning, and it isn't losing. It's not about pride, and it's not about how you appear, and it's not obsessing or dwelling on the past. Letting go isn't blocking memories or thinking sad thoughts, and doesn't leave emptiness, hurt, or sadness. It's not giving in or giving up. Letting go isn't about loss and it's certainly not defeat. To let go is to cherish memories, and overcome and move on. It's having an open mind and confidence in the future. Letting go is accepting. It's learning and experiencing and growing. To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and made you grow. It's about all you have, all that you had, and all that you will soon again. Letting go is having the courage to accept change, and the strength to keep moving. Letting go is growing up. It's realizing that the heart can sometimes be the most potent remedy. To let go is to open a door, and to clear a path, and set you free…"

I came across this quote this afternoon as my roommate and I were leaving church. Stuck in the traffic from all of the cars trying to leave the parking lot, we usually pass the time listening to the radio or looking online at Pinterest. When I found this quote, it literally took my breath away and stabbed me in the gut for a millisecond. It rings so true for many circumstances in my life right now as I am prayerfully making decisions about my summer, my future, and my life in general.

To bring you up to date on my life, I'm doing a lot better. For a while my family was truly concerned I was in a stress depression, but with the ease of dropping a class, my happiness has significantly improved. I have a tendency to 'overload' myself just like everyone else in my family. While I'd like to say I've learned from this mistake and I'll never do it again, it's very likely I'll always load my plate with obligations, and many activities that'll keep me busy. But, what I have learned is that it is ok to let go.
And so, I'm beginning a process of letting go. Speaking truthfully, there have been many little things that have brought this concept of 'letting go' to my mind lately. Some are painful, and some have brought me to tears, but through pain I have seen others let go, and I have seen many embrace a new life, not necessarily better, but a new life that God is leading them towards.

Every Friday I volunteer for three hours at St. Joseph's hospital as a patient transporter. It is the highlight of my week as I have said before, and I love being able to interact with patients. I always leave with stories too, of the mad patient, the elderly married couple both hospitalized insisting on sharing a room, or even the patient who tried to escape the hospital. I say this because there is never a dull moment, and I love leaving with a story. Sometimes though, the stories aren't funny or even frustrating, but sometimes the events of the hospital are just straight up heart-wrenching. Tragedy is inevitable, especially in a hospital, but even after 3 months I can't help but hurt when I witness a trauma rush into the ER. When I hear the screams of a small child, or see the blue butterfly signaling the loss of an elderly patient, I can't help but catch my breath and pray for God's healing hands for those individuals involved. But what touches me most, is the number of nurses there in the event still offering kind words and extending their love. This past week, a fatal trauma came in and while the ER walls still echoed of sirens and piercing cries, a nurse turned to me and a fellow transporter and said something along the lines of, 'while the trauma was horrible and the pain to come will seem unbearable, there is peace in letting go and allowing God to help you give you the strength to keep moving on in life.' Her words while softly muttered in private, truly touched me.

While the nurse was speaking of letting go of a loved one, I, too, can see how in life sometimes we must let go to embrace change. Right now I am doing my best to let go of of my summer home, CDR, in fear that I won't get to return for another summer. While I will never let go of my memories, or my strong support for the work done, I am trying to let go of my role as counselor and embrace a new role, a new chapter. I am accepting the hard truth that I do have to embrace my academic responsibilities so that I can graduate on time.

But, while I try hard to let go, I still struggle. It's hard to let go when I still have a passion for my campers and when I hear of their hardships my heart breaks a little bit. It's hard to let go of something when you aren't finished fighting for it yet. When I still want to nurture my campers, and lead them to Christ, it's hard for me to let go, because selfishly I still want to be their 'favorite counselor.' So, it is a struggle I face daily. I struggle to let go when my summer plans are uncertain, but I still want to hold on to the hope that I may be able to return to the piney woods.

Through it all, through my uncertainty and my doubt, I know that God's plan is prevailing. I know he is leading me towards green pastures, and that no matter what I spend my summer doing, I will have the opportunity to love his people and share the good news. Instead, I'm letting go of my 'strict plans' I had for my life. I'm going to do my best to embrace my uncertain future and I excitedly look forward to the places God will take me.

The Parable of the Missing Badge

To start out, I named this post just for my roommate Lucie who has been an inspiration to me and truly the best friend/roommate I could ask for.

I have been SO weighed down over the past couple of week that I haven't taken the opportunity to stop and reflect on my life. I haven't stopped to realize my priorities are becoming overwhelmed by the stress of my science major, church, my training for my half, and volunteering. I have been running like crazy trying to keep up with the things I've been thrown when I finally realized I can't do it all. I have a problem, and admitting it myself is the first step to making the changes I need to make in order to live a healthier life in all aspects.

This time of year is always chaotic and always causes me great anxiety. So not surprisingly this year was no different. As September progresses I begin to feel like I'm drowning in a sea of my own stress, most of which I cause myself. This year though, I vowed to myself to do some deep reflection of my heart, my dreams, and my ambitions, only to find out with great remorse that where I'm headed is not what I believe God wants for me. I've been striving for my own personal success, placing my grades and future dreams of a career over God. I've struggled to take the time to listen to him, rather than just tell him what I'm doing and ask for his support. So as the stress began to hit, I felt my life crumble around me. I became an emotional train-wreck, my body physically couldn't handle the stress as the lack of sleep and training were exhausting me, and lastly I wasn't seeing success. My grades weren't improving. I wasn't improving in my training, and I just seemed to always want to cry and eat ice-cream, which I shamefully did thinking that it would make me happy.

One day I was sitting in the library trying to study for a test I had in an hour, and I finally did something that I've never done before. I admitted to a close friend that I was struggling. I finally spoke aloud that I wasn't good, and that I truly felt like my life was crumbling around me. I struggle with the pride of self-image. I want everyone to think that my life is put together and perfect, when truly I struggle every day just to prioritize and to thank God for blessing me. So that day in the library, I reached a milestone. I was real with someone and actually shared the 'true shape' of my life. I realized that this was the self-reflection I had been craving, and just being able to speak it out to someone with listening hears was relief enough. A weight had been lifted, but still stress was overwhelming me.

The same week, I made it to class and in a panic realized that I had forgotten my badge for the hospital. So I did what all roommates do, and quickly texted my roommate to look in my room for it. Lucie couldn't find it, and with a time crunch to make it to my next class, I rushed home and began to literally tear my room apart. I was nearly in tears, and had foolishly began unpacking every single box in my room in desperation. Thinking aloud, I told Lucie how I was the worst volunteer, so irresponsible, and so on, but all along she kept a calm disposition and helped me look. I had just about given up, sitting on my floor not knowing how I was going to explain that I had lost my new badge (long story short, I had already had to receive a new one) and then Lucie saw it.

"Katelyn? Is that it up on the wall?!"

There my missing badge was, right on the wall clipped where I could easily and quickly find it. But in that 30 minutes I was dramatically overreacting and couldn't stop to think or to see what was clearly right in front of my face. This might be a long stretch, but after finding my badge I couldn't help but think to myself that I do the same thing with God every day. He is right in front of me offering me peace, relief from my stress, but I am so overwhelmed that I cannot see him standing right in front of me. I am so caught up in myself that I cannot see the important things, the one thing that at the end of the day that matters, God.

I realize now that my life has truly been all over the place. I have been bottling stress and letting it overwhelm me, but I am so thankful that my God is a forgiving God. He always welcomes me back into his arms when I realize I have failed him, and that I have forgotten him in light of my stressful days at college. I have finally realized that it is ok to admit that things aren't going well. It doesn't mean I'm a failure, it means I'm real. I struggle with my classes every day. I'm  a horrible test taker, and I'm still trying to learn how to study. Sometimes I'm not a good friend or roommate and I take out my stress on those around me. But I am SO thankful that I can now admit these struggles and ask for forgiveness. Our God is great, and I now know a peace that I have never known before.